In Those "What the H*** Just Happened?" Moments: Parenting and Co-Regulation

Estrella Jones, LCSW — Voyages Counseling

Kid and teen behavior is a HOT topic. I see it everywhere. In homes, in schools, on social media, and perhaps even in a "What the hell just happened?" moment after a bedtime experience that almost made you lose it. (Maybe you did lose it.) Parents, teachers, and caregivers alike are talking about kid behaviors because many of them have no idea what's happening, how to help their kids, or how to help themselves. Co-regulation is steadily becoming a therapeutic staple for supporting parents and influential adults in increasing emotional regulation in various environments.

What Is Co-Regulation? Kid Brains and What We Know

Co-regulation can happen in any partnership, but in terms of parent to child, co-regulation "is helping a child learn how to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modeling calmness... It means actively managing your own emotions to help kids learn to manage theirs" (Child Mind Institute, 2026). What we know about a typical adult brain is that it has the capacity to use higher-level thinking to manage big emotions by developing tools, coping mechanisms, and so on. When our kids experience big emotions, whether anger, sadness, or frustration, their emotional brain is running the show, and there's no time for developing tools and coping mechanisms without a little support (insert capable parent, teacher, or caregiver here). Co-regulation is supporting your kids in developing the skills they need to cope with their own emotions effectively.

Why We're Talking About Co-Regulation: Adult Brains and What We Know

Parents, teachers, and caregivers alike may have the capacity to use higher-level thinking to develop coping skills and emotionally regulate, but that doesn't mean we don't still have emotional brains that can become overstimulated and make it difficult to remain regulated when chaos ensues. To lead by example and share the calm when our kids don't have the capacity to do so on their own, adults have to practice, plan, and build our own skillset first.

The Difference Between Co-Regulating and Permissive Parenting

Before we review ways to regulate and support our kids and ourselves, I want to bring up a point that's often missed in the balance of teaching our kids the skills they need, teaching ourselves the skills we need, while also still holding boundaries for behaviors that are harmful to others. Co-regulation doesn't mean allowing children to kick and scream and hit. It doesn't mean that you're letting your children control situations because they know that a big emotional response has no consequences from you.

Instead, we're remembering what we know about kids' brains, and when consequences are most effectively delivered is not during the big emotional response; it's after. We're remembering that the self-regulation that we practice is going to support us in both the moment that we're remaining calm during the behavior, and the moment that we come back to address consequences for the behavior. Co-regulation means protecting your relationship with your child, but it also means having productive space for kids to learn ways that are acceptable for them to process their emotions and ways that are not.

We Self-Regulate, Then We Co-Regulate, Then We Create a Plan

How Do I Know If I'm Regulated?

In all settings, a dysregulated kid can only be regulated by a regulated adult. Before we address kiddo, we ask ourselves: How am I feeling? Am I regulated enough for this? Do I need support from my partner or another adult? If the adult is regulated, it looks like a calm, even tone of voice, even breathing, and clear thinking. When the adult is not regulated, it probably looks like a raised voice, physiological responses (heart racing, clammy palms, fists clenched), or feelings of anger. This is how we decide if we support now or take a five-minute break to calm down.

The Power of Silence and Space

In the moment, disengaging can be very supportive. Often, silence gives kids space and can be the key to de-escalating. For example: our kiddo throws something, and we might respond, "I'll be back in five minutes." Give the full time before returning. Closeness might seem like an easy answer to comfort, but most children require space to regulate. It doesn't mean you're ignoring them. You said you'd be back. Just make sure you return.

Questions You Can Ask to Connect

If there's no screaming or throwing, but your child is clearly upset (maybe pouting, shutting down), it can be helpful to ask questions to help kids verbalize their needs. We can ask:

• "What do you need from me in this moment?"

• "I hear what you are saying. What would help you?"

• "I notice you aren't talking. Do you want to work through this together?"

• "How can I support you with that?"

• "What happened?"

• "How can I help you get through this?"

Providing Choices: Avoid Meeting Force With Force

Giving choices for alternative behaviors or calm-down strategies can help us shift gears while still communicating what options are acceptable for the moment. Choices could look like, "I hear that you're frustrated. Do you want to take a break with me to breathe, get a snack, or take a walk?"

Building Them Up or Keeping Them Down?

Our words can keep our kids from feeling better when they make them feel worse. If something disappointing happens, statements like "you'll get over it" or "just move on" may reinforce disappointment. Validating phrases are statements that validate our kids without telling them that we'll fix the problem or that we'll make it better, but rather that they aren't alone:

• "I can see how you would feel that way."

• "I appreciate that you shared that with me."

• "I see you're [insert emotion]. This is a lot to deal with right now."

• "It's tough. I'm here with you."

Know When to Tap Out

Some parenting is solo, some parenting is in a partnership; each caregiving experience has its own unique circumstances. Knowing when and how you'll tap out in an escalating situation with your kids will support you to do so in the moment. If you have a partner that you share parenting with, it helps to be on the same page — for example, asking them to tap in so you can have a break when they see signs that you are dysregulated while your child is also dysregulated. If you're solo-parenting, tapping out can look like taking a break and coming back when you feel calm, or calling a friend or someone who supports you.

Co-Regulation Takes Time

You may not see your child using their skills or regulating their emotions right away when you begin your co-regulation journey. If you're not typically calm during escalations, you may see tested boundaries and increased behavior. With consistency comes behavior change.

Following a Conflict With Connection and Appropriate Consequences

A part of co-regulation is maintaining your relationship with your child, while also being consistent with expectations and consequences. Relationship and connection without rules, expectations, and boundaries will lead to continued behavior and disrespect. Rules, expectations, and boundaries without connection, support, and the relationship will lead to rebellion. Rules and expectations with the relationship and connection are the sweet spot for respect and behavior change.

When It's Time to Plan and Reflect

After moments of big behavioral outbursts or escalations from your kiddo, take time to plan for future situations:

• What worked this time?

• What didn't?

• What will this look like next time?

• Do I need more support?

Frequently Asked Questions About Co-Regulation

What is co-regulation in parenting?

Co-regulation is helping a child learn to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modeling calmness. A typical adult brain can use higher-level thinking to manage big feelings. A child in the middle of anger, sadness, or frustration is being run by their emotional brain, and they cannot build coping tools in that moment without a steady adult alongside them.

Is co-regulation the same as permissive parenting?

No. Co-regulation does not mean allowing children to kick, scream, or hit, and it does not mean a big emotional response earns no consequence. It means delivering the consequence after the storm rather than during it, when a child's brain can actually take it in. Relationship without expectations leads to continued misbehavior. Expectations without relationship lead to rebellion. Both together are the sweet spot.

How do I know if I am regulated enough to help my child?

A regulated adult has a calm, even tone of voice, even breathing, and clear thinking. A dysregulated adult usually has a raised voice, a racing heart, clammy palms, clenched fists, or a wave of anger. Ask yourself how you are feeling and whether you are regulated enough for this before you address your child. If the answer is no, take five minutes or ask another adult to tap in.

Should I give my child space or stay close during a meltdown?

Most children need space to regulate, even though closeness feels like the obvious comfort. Disengaging briefly is often what de-escalates the moment. Say you will be back in five minutes, give the full five minutes, and then actually return. Saying it and not coming back is what turns space into abandonment.

How long does co-regulation take to work?

Not right away. If you have not typically been calm during escalations, you may first see tested boundaries and an increase in the behavior before it improves. Consistency is what produces behavior change, so the early weeks are not evidence that it is failing.

Support for Parents in Colorado

If the escalations at your house have started to feel bigger than what a plan can hold, you don't have to work it out alone. Voyages Counseling supports children, teens, parents, and families across Colorado, in person and through telehealth, from offices in Colorado Springs, Centennial, Lone Tree, Castle Rock, and Central Park.

References

Hagan, M. (2026, May 22). What Is Co-Regulation? Child Mind Institute.